How can I stop being paranoid and become my normal self again?

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Posted on : 21-07-2013 | By : My Study Coach | In : Improve Your Concentration
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Hello I’m an 18-year old swedish guy who have been through quite a lot of downs mentally through the years. It all started in Junior High School where I was bullied all of my 3 years and my confidence took a lot of damage from this. The bullying was everything between people thinking I was gay to them saying I had no skills whatsoever. At my time at Junior High School I did nothing else than longing for these years of pain to end. I am a happy and caring person deep inside but my behaviour changed completely during those years to a more angry, defensive and paranoid person. If people gave me shit I wanted to throw it right back on them. This led to things becoming worse but even though I tried to change my behaviour to the normal I didn’t get any positive response from the other kids since they already hated me.

When I finally came to Senior High School I got the new start I was dreaming of. I made 2 great friends pretty fast and started to build up my confidence again. These two friends were in the same class as me but they both left after the first year of studies. One of them left for another town while the other one still is at the same school, just one grade below me. When they left things became more boring and I have no friends left in my class. That was the sign that told me to become more independent instead of hiding my insecurity by being surrounded by a group of people. I did almost everything on my own at the first half of the second year and then I found out that some of the freshmen actually were quite nice and I made some friends there. I still kept to myself quite a lot and kept getting more independent. I also felt that an unique personality was evolving inside of me to take charge instead of the instinct of being like everyone else. I was still pretty insecure though but people who learned to know me as i am thought that I was a nice guy and really enjoyed my personality

Now I’m on my third and last year of Senior High School which will end in June. This school year has been my best if you look at how my personality has panned out but it has also been a year of tests. In October I started to feel down. Things that I usually enjoy a lot were not even a bit funny anymore, I didn’t feel like talking to people as much as before and everything just went downhill. The quality of my homework fell significantly and people who knew how I used to behave started to get worried. I didn’t know about why I became depressed at first but after a while of thinking the only thing I could actually think of as the source of my depression was that I had very little money and lots of stuff to pay. I got out of this small depression after 2 months and started to really enjoy myself. I began spending time with people who I only knew through my brother and I really became part of their little “family”. You can say that I had the time of my life 1 month ago, I had everything I could possibly wish for (except for money). Then something happened yesterday that shouldn’t be able to bring me down but it really did. I began doing vlogs in August since I had been inspired by people who I thought was brilliant at what they did. Also I thought that it would be a good way to get some things that are bothering off my chest. I can say as much as it worked as long as nobody of my friends knew about it. My most popular video (with 1200 views or so) was found by one of my friends in school yesterday at the morning before I got to school. Then he watched it and showed it to his classmates (who are also friends of mine). Problem was one of the people watching is very fond of teasing people so he posted the video on my Facebook log with a rude text written to tease me. Then he sent me a text and said that he had a present for me on Facebook. I entered Facebook and watched my log and became terrified when I saw what he had done. I called him and told him to delete it from my log which he did when it had been up for 10 minutes. However he did more damage than he could imagine. Not only my friends could see it but also his friends, and apparently some of them are also fond of teasing people who have done them nothing bad. Now people refer to me as the “Youtube star” and give me weird looks. They are not like that all the time but since I’m paranoid since before it feels like everyone hates me. Imagine that school is the world for me and if everyone there hates me, the world hates me. I’m starting to become my old self again, the one I was in Junior High School. A rude and defensive person who watches his back all the time and can’t relax. I’m trying to be the humorous and kind guy I was before monday but I can’t since I feel threatened by everyone. Can you please give me some tips of how I can begin to forget about this and go back to being myself again?

PS. Thanks for reading the whole text, it means a lot to me :)

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Comments (1)

Buddy life is filled with problems , we should learn from our mistakes and stand strong against the bad times .. because nothing lasts forever , remember that and live your life happily thats all i can say :)

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